Contrave

Sep. 25th, 2017 04:01 am
iosonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
I just found out that the other medication in Contrave is an antidepressant.

I've been saying I need to go back on antidepressants anyway, so that's good.

I'm hoping it'll help me kick soda and fast food for good, I'll lose lots of weight, get into kickboxing and become badass (in my own mind, anyway.)




If Jessica goes to Tawain next year, I'm invited. So I have that to look forward to.




I looked up Jordan's FaceBook page to see if he got to the U.K. all right.

Doo Deep De Doop

Sep. 25th, 2017 02:16 am
iosonochesono: (MTR: Will what?)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
My co-worker called out sick again tonight, so I'm by myself. No big deal, at least not so far.

I'm going between writing and working on my TEFL course, and from there I was looking up TEFL jobs - including those right here at home.

Now I suppose I should log into my courses starting up at UCSD today.




I signed up for four courses.

On top of the TEFL course.

I'm completely off-the-charts bonkers. UCSD quality courses are going to be intense. I have to get on top of getting the books read and be ready to respond to people and the forums tomorrow.

The bright side is, I basically have eight hours each night to engage in study in. So, what I think will happen:

Hour One: TEFL.

Hour Two and Three: Anatomy and Physiology.

Hour Four and Five: Medical Terminology.

Hour Five and Six: Introduction to Counseling Models.

Hour Six and Seven: Occupational Safety and Security for Health Professionals.

Leave an average of an hour to do checks and various operational tasks around the facility, give or take.

Things

Sep. 23rd, 2017 10:12 pm
iosonochesono: (HP: Things That Matter)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
I'm about to go to bed, but here are some thoughts I have in general when it comes to moving:

1. As much as I want to get. Out. Of. Here, and it's hard not to start applying to jobs right now, before I've actually gotten my passport photos signed by Father Dan, before I've completed CDAC or TEFL, etc. I am capable of rationally thinking, "Hey, need to be able to get living wage work. I can't work at Starbucks."

---> On the flip side, credentials often don't translate when moving internationally. CDAC happens to be one of the few that does. TEFL is as well.

---> I was thinking I could also begin working on credentials (like an AA or AS) that could translate to academic or vocational programs in the U.K./E.U. Like, if I worked on getting an AA or AS degree through a CCC, I could then work on finishing a degree (like a teaching credential) in the U.K.

---> London in particular is a very diverse community, so if I get TEFL/CELTA/TEYL/Etc. certified I can seek work in London. But London's very expensive. Which leads me to point #2:

2. Try to jump straight into working in a country where I don't speak the language? Or try to go to the U.K. for a while first?

Pros to going straight to another country: Force myself to learn languages. More likely to find work. I want to travel. I can work on getting vocational/academic work done in universities that translate to more countries than the USA.

Cons to going straight to another country: The U.K. has a lot of rules about who can partake as active citizens or not, so by not living in the U.K. I forego those opportunities sooner.




I've also been thinking that if I save 3-5k before April and pay off any debt, I can take a break before trying to find work and finally do Eurail, which I've always wanted to do.




Leia: You mean you'd go to England to see Jordan?
Me: ???????? No?!?!?!

Why would I try to meet someone who can't follow through on their plans in the same shopping center in another country? That makes no sense.

TEFL

Sep. 23rd, 2017 03:15 pm
iosonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
I'm trying to do my TEFL done during the night shift. I think I should be able to complete it by the first of November.

My thought is by April (earliest goal point) I can hopefully pay off all my debts and save 3k, at which pint I'd move to Europe.

More realistically, maybe September.

I'm trying to decide if I move to BELFAST first, or go straight to Italy.

Night One

Sep. 21st, 2017 03:49 am
iosonochesono: Text icon, Andalite telling Ax that maybe different races can be stronger together. (Animorphs: Prove me Wrong)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
So she didn't wake up at 3:30 as promised and ignored my text asking her if she was ready to switch. So I went upstairs and told her it was time to switch.

It's super annoying she thinks this behavior is okay. But anyway.




ETA: I came down in the morning and she had closed the door where she was and had fallen asleep again!!! She hadn't started the hot breakfast!

I officially called her out on it so if she's still just sleeping all night at this point it's just tough shit for her.

Things

Sep. 21st, 2017 01:17 am
iosonochesono: (MLP: Dash Helpful)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
So, at work, I've decided I'm just going to try and set stricter boundaries with Monique. Part of what we'll be doing (which we should be doing anyway) is stay in a room where the door can lock if we're having a sleeping break. That way clients can't walk in and realize one of us is asleep.

It also means that if I'm awake, Monique will not have cause to turn off her alarm and go back to sleep. She'll have no reason to think I'm doing checks anyway. And that's how it should be. Regardless of if I'm sleeping or working, the point of dividing checks that way is so one person can have downtime. If I'm studying TEFL or nursing, it shouldn't matter.

The other thing I'm thinking about suggesting is that instead of dividing the sleep each night, we instead separate it by day. Monique has already cut Thursdays from her work week, so my thought is I stay awake Sunday and Monday night and she stays awake Tuesday and Wednesday night. Then the other Sara (who works with me Thursdays) and I will switch off - one week I'm awake all night, one week she's awake all night.

That way instead of two severely sleep-deprived people, there is one person who is awake and one person who is resting their entire shift (unless there is an emergency.) Whoever is taking the lead that night is fully rested, and since the resting person will have mostly uninterrupted sleep, they should recover better if they need to get up.




So, I can't remember what happened, but there was some conversation about seeking co-parents so I looked up the website. I thought it was going to be single parents looking for people to team up (e.g. a teacher, a nurse, a firefighter, and a store clerk cooperating together so that they can save money on child-care.)

And I looked up the website and I couldn't find out more without making an account, but it's actually people looking either for free sperm donation, either without parenting rights or with the goal of co-parenting (as in, both parties actively taking part in the child's life in terms of legal, kinship, and fiscal ways.)

That was not what I was expecting! But you know? Actually sort of cool. I'm glad to see the options of how people start and maintain families increasing. Some friends I have can't have kids on their own and I thought co-parenting with them would be cool. Seems like there would be more cooperation and less likeliness of a horrible blowup than in a situation where the parenting is tied to a romantic relationship.

I think the funniest thing is that men on that website are waaaaaaay less creepy/skeevy. Nothing chases away the creepy men like 'co-parent' as part of your search.

Nursing Vs. Counseling

Sep. 19th, 2017 11:33 pm
iosonochesono: Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony being sad. (MLP: Dash Sad)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
I think instead I'd rather do nursing and social work, with some counseling training.

I've been reading up on it and apparently a lot of rehabilitation therapies are not seen as particularly scientifically sound.

I'm wondering why, for instance, the facilities in these areas (no specific one) don't focus on anti-opiods such as naltrene over the Twelve-Step program, which have scientifically sound evidence that they are effective against addiction. Apparently the USA is far far behind other developed countries in their approach to addiction.




In learning about all of this, I'm going to try taking Contrave this year and see if it helps me stop binge-eating. Treat my problem like an illness and try to approach it as such.

Lol

Sep. 19th, 2017 07:04 pm
iosonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Isha said Makayla had walked the into Monique snoring because she was so loud.

Okay, THAT doesn't sound like Monique. That might have been me. I know people have told me I snore pretty loudly. (I don't get HOW, since I don't have tonsils or adenoids. Also, I record myself sleeping sometimes - to try to catch me snoring and how bad, since people have woken me up less than an hour after me falling asleep to tell me I was being loud - and it never seems to catch snoring. It's like my brain doesn't do those bad habits when I'm watching myself.)

There's no way that happened recently though cuz we don't go in that room anymore. And well, I don't think I've slept during a shift in weeks. I kept getting more and more anxious about Monique's pattern. It's possible I dozed off once or twice during the time we were in that room.

However: Regardless, I'm now trying to research what legitimate ways there are to stop snoring.

UGH

Sep. 19th, 2017 04:56 am
iosonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Due to circumstances at work tonight I was convinced to go in and now my co-worker is sleeping again.

I resent letting my guilt and concern manipulate me that way.
iosonochesono: (HTTYD: Troubled)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Ana annoys me with how much she believes in conspiracy theories and how right-wing she is, but sometimes she manages to ask things that are eerily on-point with where my emotions are at.

... Granted, because she believes PCOS is a conspiracy to punish women by making them infertile and because she knows I'm in my thirties. But eerily on point with where a lot of my thoughts have been since that woman was telling me how much her life changed after she got pregnant and just generally feeling incredibly stuck and without choices in life.

Conversations I feel like I can't have with anyone. Like, if I have those conversations with anyone, they'll totally freak out. Either because my friends who are women will think I'm thinking seriously about trying, or the men in my life will be worried I'm going to ask them to be a sperm donor.*

Ana doesn't even know about the sexual dysfunction, I don't think. So the question from her is a lot more eery. Like if Alicia had asked, it's like, she knows I have this barrier in my life that sort of makes my life complicated in the family planning/starting aspect.

*I guess I'd be worried about that too. I guess it's not such a far-flung theory that if I ever went that route I'd want it to be someone I knew. But I usually find it's easier to talk to men about S.D. stuff.

OH MY GOD

Sep. 18th, 2017 11:40 pm
iosonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Monique literally lost her shit when she found out I wasn't coming in tonight. I'd gotten permission from Isha around 6pm.

The real reason is that she's pissed off she won't get to sit there turning off her alarm and going back to sleep all night without getting up until 6:40am.

This was it. I decided even if it means sleeping privileges are revoked, I'm going to talk to Isha about how Monique oversleeps during the shift. I can't stand that she has the gall to do 1-2 checks the entire night last night and kept turning off her alarm and now she wants to whine that I'm not coming in again so she can do the same bullshit tonight.

I even pretended to fall asleep last night to see if she would do the checks? And she didn't. I literally saw her still turning off her alarm and going back to sleep. I still had to get up and do the checks because she wouldn't.

That's the only reason why I would want to cut my hours. It's not like I thought it'd be super awesome to make less money. It's because it's causing to much sleep deprivation and resentment of my co-worker.

Work:

Sep. 18th, 2017 06:26 pm
iosonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
I asked for tonight off, too.

I've decided when we don't need two staff I'll take 1-3 days off per week to ensure that when I am there, I am able to remain awake.

Like I don't want to rat out Monique because it would cause interpersonal conflict at work (and potentially make them more strictly enforce it being an 'AWAKE' shift whereas they have to date been currently lenient and let us work it among ourselves.) It's a lot easier to offer to divide shifts (like do three days/two days and then switch the next week) or come in less personally.

But it's not fair to basically see someone sleeping next to you all night and know that if you fall asleep that person isn't going to have the checks covered. If I need to be asleep, I won't come in, because I can't trust her to stay awake. I don't want to be liable for dozing off on someone who needs 10-30 minute checks.

Verge

Sep. 18th, 2017 08:19 am
iosonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
I am on the verge of having a frank discussion with Monique about how much she sleeps at work.

Tonight she kept turning her alarm off and continuing to sleep all night. She basically got seven hours of sleep. This has not been an unusual turn of events.

We both work 80+ hours/week, we both have dysfunctional home situations, it's not fair for one person to get all the sleep.

Of course, the other thing I've considered is simply taking more time off the night job whenever there are three clients or less. That way, if something happens, at least I'm not liable, whereas if she tells me she's doing checks and then she is simply sleeping the whole night, I am equally liable.

Progress

Sep. 18th, 2017 03:02 am
iosonochesono: (Hebrew: Elephants Don't Dance Ballet)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
My UCSD courses don't start until next week, so right now I'm just working on the TEFL course. I couldn't do it when my co-worker was watching iZombie, but she's currently asleep.

I also filled out a new C1 for my U.K. Passport. I just need to finish putting in my mother's address and her passport information, then ask her to get information that may be relevant for them (her marriage certificate to my father changing her surname, then the divorce paperwork, then the marriage certificate where she took her current husband's surname. It might be none of that is relevant because she probably has to put that information in when renewing her passport... But still.

I deleted POF/Tinder. I've come to the conclusion that men are depressing. Hundreds and hundreds of men 'like' me, in the hopes that they'll hook up, just as they are 'liking' every damn woman on those sites. I'm just going to try to get back to doing classes, going to the gym, etc. I'm not necessarily holding out for a serious relationship only - but I don't believe I'm likely to respect guys when I see evidence of the grazing approach. Like they couldn't care less about compatibility. Forever alone? Whatever. It's better than being depressed by a constant barrage of dudes hoping for a one-night stand.

Thoughts

Sep. 18th, 2017 12:14 am
iosonochesono: (Corpse Bride: Emily Proper)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
With regard to Jordan (as much as I'm trying to just completely mind-wipe myself about his existence), I think what happened with regard to him lying about "not meeting the language qualifications for CSU Fullerton/CSU LB" is that I don't think he applied to them. I think he probably tried to apply to a few UCs - the ones that were prestigious enough to fill the needs of his ego.

But the University of California requires two years of a foreign language. Hence he didn't get in. And then was embarrassed that he didn't apply. Or maybe he had lied to his parents and had told him he didn't get into any of those schools, and then kept that lie for everyone, not realizing what a bad lie that was, because the CSUs are far more numerous and everyone knows the key difference in transferring to a UC or a CSU is whether or not it requires a foreign language.

Anyway, he got into York in England, and that school is highly regarded, so it's not like his GPA wasn't high enough, it would be, as he said, just the language requirements.

(I've also considered that he may have intentionally did what he did to give himself an excuse to go back to Europe to complete his education, as European schools are considered more prestigious. And for all I know, he had a reason to want to go back to England. Be it homesickness, friends, a girl, whatever. But his ego seems enough on its own.)




I want to work on my TEFL course but I can't do it without headphones.

I was also looking at applying to UK Starbucks and working on BACP coursework.

It might make more sense to make an extended visit to my aunt and her husband's place, though, and figure my working situation out. I'd like to try to work in Italy, France, Spain, Germany, and Portugal. But I was thinking I'd like to stop by the UK a while first since technically I'm a citizen. Plus I could then work on counseling and BACP stuff while there. (I'd like to do coursework in those countries too? But only to learn the language.)

It'll probably be a lot easier to find work if already at least on the right continent.

Thoughts

Sep. 17th, 2017 01:06 am
iosonochesono: (Bolt: Sleepy)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Thought #1: If I'm here until at least April, I should be able to get most of the CADC coursework done. And some of the nursing prerequisites.

Thought #2: I really like the one job, it's the other job I can't stand. I used to at least like the people there, but most of them are gone. I can't believe I have to do all this safety coach stuff I can never even do, either. Tomorrow and Monday I'm going to have to run around all over the place trying to collect paperwork. It's all freakin' hand-holding because managers don't see enforcing policy within departments as part of their jobs.

Honestly, they ducked it up. If the safety program had been a body of policies rewarding managers whose departments and staff pass audits and don't have injuries free days (and penalizing those who do) this wouldn't be a problem. Instead, they see a nag telling them to do stuff they have decided isn't part of their job. It's a freakin' joke.

Thought #3: I want to get the nursing prerequisites and CADC stuff done.

CCAPP claims it is valid in 47 countries but it doesn't list them anywhere. Kinda suspicious.

ETA: It's by getting the IC&RC tests done, but then you still have to live in California most of the year, which seems ridiculous. In the U.K. the equivalent program is BACP.

I Did It

Sep. 16th, 2017 11:39 am
iosonochesono: (MLP: Thoughtful)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
That thing, the thing I've wanted to do for years - sign up for a TEFL certificate. I did it.

I'm going to work on it during the night shift and work on paying down any debts I have - maybe even sell my car toward the end of December... Start figuring out the things I do/don't need in my life. Then I'm going to try to apply for TEFL positions. Maybe look into teacher licensing?

Why?

Because Dad came home today, and the place was a horrible mess. My brother was sleeping in a rat nest. In the living room. And my dad was upset and sad and I left because I was worried they'd get into a screeching argument into one another.

And I was thinking about how miserable I am at Ralphs. How Mike talks about 'moving up in the company' and like... I don't really want that. What I want is to travel and not be at home with my brother and my father burdened by my brother.

And I was sitting there, eating fast food (again) and thinking about how unhappy I was, and then I thought, "Will moving make me happy?"

And the answer is that I have stuff I need to work on. I have low sense of self-worth to work on. Codependency issues to work on. A sexual dysfunction to work on (because currently that also makes me unhappy.) Moving won't suddenly make me a happy person. I need physical intimacy and I have a hard time accepting it. I need to establish better boundaries with people so I don't feel taken advantage of. I need a lot of things in my life that I can work on to make me happy.

But at least half my problem is I feel trapped and stuck and I go home and everyone's miserable and everything's a mess. I can't do things I love (like photography, travel, language study) because I'm working like 80+ hours/week.

So I'm going to:

1. Keep going on with trying to get my U.K. and Irish Passports.
2. Get the damn TEFL certification.
3. Fucking leave the country.

Nursing might be a nice ideal that would make me more money, but I can do the teaching certificate much faster and if I want international credentials I should be trying to figure out how to go to nursing school in the U.K. I just want to make sure that if I leave the country I can work.

Regrettably, this also means staying with Ralphs until April so I can pay off any debts. I almost want to turn in my notice today. But I need to stay with both jobs to save money and get to a debt-free point in my life. I want 0 debt and preferably $3k minimum in my savings account.

I just have to stay disciplined about only having water/fruit/veggies/PB&J.

LOL

Sep. 15th, 2017 02:27 pm
iosonochesono: Rachel Maddow with glasses. (Political: Rachel Maddow Blue and Glasse)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Jordan, "See you when I get back."
Me, "God, I hope not. That would mean I'm still here."

I am so not trying to maintain these ties, that's exactly what I don't want to do. No keeping ties with people who make me miserable by not following through on promises.

Like I kept it relatively not-awkward while he was still here, but if all goes well, I will never see/hear from him again, lol.

THIS MAKES NO SENSE

Sep. 15th, 2017 12:56 pm
iosonochesono: (Animorphs: Aximili Dance)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
IF YOU TURN ALL PEOPLE INTO ZOMBIES WHERE WILL YOU GET THE BRAINS?!




It's 1:00PM so in theory Jordan (even if he's taking an evening flight) will be on his way to the airport, to get there three hours before the flight, to leave by 7pm-8pm. BYE BOY.




LIV SCRATCHED RAVI. (Supposedly he's vaccinated against the zombie disease.) AND THEY SAID THEY LOVED EACH OTHER.

Granted, they meant that in an 'as friends' way. And after the episode with his sex flashbacks I can't blame her. BUT UNTIL THAT EPISODE I SHIPPED IT HARD AND I RESENT THAT THEY MADE HIM AS UNSEXY AS POSSIBLE TO DISSUADE THAT TWO EPISODES LATER.

Eye Compress

Sep. 15th, 2017 12:33 am
iosonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
So, my eye compress is a water concoction (salt, honey, lemon-lime tea) and hand towels. I did a bunch of them again tonight (I'm about to put the Systane in my eyes for tonight.)

I also treated an issue going on with my back, since I asked for tonight off of work (did last night as well.)

I'm going to try to do these treatments at least 2x per week in the future, and I'm going to try to do the hot compresses twice per night at work. I just need to find a place (like, well, the master bathroom there) where I can clean up any mess the hot compresses make easily.

Anyway, my eyes feel 100% better. They don't look 100% better - whatever is going on with my right eye is being really stubborn and it is still bloodshot. But it doesn't feel nearly as irritable.




Tomorrow I have to get back onto graduate certificate/graduate school stuff. I'm looking at doing nursing prerequisite work and while doing that also looking at a social work program and an MFT program. I haven't been on it lately, 'cause of my eyes. This is why I have to stay on top of preventative care.




Since Taylor contacted me at 10:00PM it was really tempting to tell him how I had asked for tonight off of work and actually had nothing to do. But I don't really feel safe around Taylor. I don't mean like he's dangerous, I mean, there just isn't that emotional attachment there yet, and because he already does things that don't exactly boost my confidence, I was not exactly going to invite him over.

Plus, the apartment's sort of a mess right now. The living room and kitchen are mostly a courtesy of Kevin (how did he do that in a day?). My room isn't exactly that clean either right now - I just brought in a ton of crap for making goodie bags, I need to get a load of work clothes done, there's materials from my eye compresses all over the bathroom, etc. If Jessica had wanted to hang out (not that she ever would this late) we'd have avoided the house because she hates messes. If Jordan had wanted to hang out, I'd have just cleaned the living room/kitchen area up, 'cause he knows about my living situation. Taylor does not.

Plus, Taylor wants to have metaphysical discussions, and I'll be quite honest: My mind is focused on my eyes and Jordan right now, and more specifically, the way I feel about Jordan, and how I can't wait for those feelings to go away (not to say I'm not also sad, but when your libido is winning over your rational brain 3:1* and the main person you're attracted to cannot give two fucks about you, it is for the best, for the love of God, I can't wait til he's out of the country and I no longer know his phone number.)

Fortunately, I don't work til a bit later tomorrow. I'll have time to do this stuff between compresses.

Anyway. Time for the Systane treatment. (I have a love/hate relationship with that stuff. I love it because my eyes feel so great afterward. I hate it because it makes me blind.)

*In past years, I have had zero sex drive/libido to speak of - which was fine, because I also have a sexual dysfunction. And honestly, since I've gotten one, I don't know what the fuck to do with it, because I can't do the thing it's kinda made for. Or maybe I could, with some time/patience, but I don't have that type of relationship with anyone.

I heard women's sex drives go up a lot in their thirties so maybe that's why this is happening. I don't appreciate it. It could at least do me a solid and refocus on someone with mutual attraction. Sadly, increased libido does not mean decreased monogamy: Still crush on only one person at a time.
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 10:51 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios